This doesn't even get a title- I'm too apathetic to think of one (almost typed "to care" which would be redundant). I feel so miserable... the stress is getting to me and I don't feel like I'm responding to it very well. GAH!!!!!!! I JUST WANT TO SLEEP AND PLAY MY VIOLIN!!!!!!!!!!!! and have a gajillion lessons a week... because I sound great then and feel like I can take on the world. The power of positive thinking... quite possibly ran away. Go figure.

I should be doing french homework. I should be taking notes for that damn essay. You know, the french one. But I'm not... I'm too out of sorts.

Can I just cry? Please? Thanks...

Maybe I should listen to Meisters music before I sleep.

Edit: I'm close to throwing things. This is not good...

I hate this. I'm miserable and letting it show. It shows in m body language, my work habits, speech, and worst of all, in my violin playing. Clarfication: I'm not miserable because I'm in college or because I think it's too hard. I'm miserable because I'm not handling my stress as well as I should be.

I just want to sleep...

Focus

No, this is not a deep posting by any means. This is simply my challenge tonight. And for now, I'm giving up. For one thing, it is much too difficult to try to do french homework you barely understand anyway in your sunglasses because your glasses broke. Yes, dear friends, I'm going retro. Old glasses! Glasses breakage and how? Back cracking. That simple. And yes, I was standing. These sunglasses don't fit well against my head. As a result, they further distract me.

Screw it, I'm sleeping. Very early, for me. But really, I'm too on edge to do anything else and I'm so tired (no nap today).

So much to do... I don't have this evening to waste. Gah, I'm going to end up driving myself to exhaustion by Friday. "Zombie Catie" will once again be present in her Friday classes.

Fml.

No, really, fml.

Patience

patience: the capacity or habit for being patient

I find that to be an interesting revelation. I feel I have a high capacity for patience, but haven't made it a habit. Now, before people jump all over this and say, "Catie, you are patient!!!" I must point out that I'm referring to patience with self. Having patience with oneself is my biggest challenge at this time. It requires persistence and control. I have them both but have not made them a habit.

patient: bearing pain or trials without complaint

Wow. I definitely complain a lot as I strive to overcome my challenges and attempt to form excellent habits. Clearly, that is not patient behavior. Through learning patience with myself, I will be able to empathize with people more closely. I had a wonderful conversation with The Man (ask if you don't know!) about this yesterday. He said it takes learning, discipline, and life experience in order to acquire patience with oneself. However, it is most essential that it be acquired sooner rather than later.

Until it's mine, I'll persevere.

So I'm a Music Nerd...

Proposals (as in study proposals) are utterly asinine. I like that word. Maybe it's because of the first syllable (think about it). Maybe it's because I'm so incredibly tired. That must be it.

Aside from all the craziness of academia, I had a wonderful lesson. I'm learning so much. This is what I took away from my lesson today:

1. I understand how Mozart works.

2. I have no pulse.

3. I have captured the spirit of Mozart in my playing.

4. Apparently my pulse ran away.

5. The little details are escaping me: but they make music come alive.

6. It must be of Russian descent.

7. My biggest challenge (not "problem" or "obstacle") is having the patience to fully apply the concepts I learn to my playing for more than one hour a week (aka my lesson).

8. That would account for its speediness.

9. I am still a teenage girl because I rolled my eyes after a really bad joke. Bad, in this case, being defined as "so cliche and inadequate that it does not warrant laughter." Yes, I made up that definition; it fits well.

10. Sometimes it comes back for a brief time.

11. My metronome and I have some bonding to do.

12. I have misplaced my pulse.

13. I have great ears, but they must be challenged to listen faster.

Hmm... I'm sensing a theme. Yes, dear reader (since Jenni is the only one I know of that reads this thing other than me!), I learn quite a bit. Processing this wealth of wisdom is an enormous task. But I like it.

Really though, Scott is pleased with my progress and is holding me accountable for the little details to such a degree that I cannot help but be aware of them every time I play (outside of orchestra... I'm too busy to think then. Oops.) It is then that I must learn to have the patience to be a disciplined musician. That was my epiphany for today. It's nothing huge; I didn't acquire a new technique, but I did learn how to combat some of my personal shortcomings. I have such a desire to overcome these challenges, but I realize they will try my patience. In the end, however, I will overcome. (new mantra?)

Random lesson story: I was having issues clapping with a metronome (don't judge me!) and I happened to say "can't" out of habit. Now, on the wall of Scott's office is a sign that has the word "can't with a red "x" through it. I was searching for a different word then... and being the smart-aleck that I am I used "cannot." You have to love proper english. Well... the sign was added to then and there: cannot is now also there with a nice "x" through it. I tried...

Goodnight, y'all.

P.S. Advice from my dad: "Take care of yourself, say your prayers, go to church, brush your teeth, take a crap." If that isn't the best advice ever, I don't know what is. :)

Racing Memories

In between all my musical sensibilities, I managed to inherit the "car" gene from my dad. This has blossomed into a love of auto-racing. My primary focus has been on Nascar and CART/IRL/IndyCar series. Through my years of watching races and even attending a handful, I've witnessed many things. As I was IndyCar Nation forum surfing, I caught a topic that brought to light one of my most poignant memories. Maybe they stick in my mind because I was so young. Perhaps because there is something to be learned. But this will not be forgotten. I was an eight year watching this live.

If you ever want the whole story, just let me know...

99 forever.

PALLC

Only on the Performing Arts Floor would there be a violin "play-in" at 1 a.m. After quiet hours. And no one complained. HAHAHA!!! What good fun it was.

random facts:

1. If my violin prof plays my violin at all during my lesson, it will still smell like him for roughly 48 hours. Even if I play it!

2. I like the 3rd mvt. of Mendelssohn again

3. Hawkeyes are undefeated.

Goodnight, y'all! I need sleep!!!